Why Must I Fight?

Why Must I Fight?

I’ve been having a tough couple of weeks. It seems like every day has just been such a struggle. I feel like I’ve been fighting everything. Fighting my to-do list. Fighting my perfectionism. Fighting student loan lenders. Fighting my wants and needs. Fighting plans for the future. Fighting projects and timelines and responsibilities. Fighting cooking and cleaning. Fighting being a wife. Fighting being a friend. Fighting life.

I’ve felt alone and frustrated, and I’ve felt like rebelling against everything I need and want to do. My spirit has been in a state of unrest. And I’m tired.

I’ve been through this valley before in the last several years (more times than I’d like to admit). And I’ve learned that this fighting and these feelings are just a symptom of a deeper craving.

So here it is. Here’s my biggest craving in life. I want to be in control of everything all the time. My marriage, my work, my hobbies, my relationships, my finances, my future, my responsibilities, my life. I want to take the lead. I want to choose the direction and the timeframe. I want it my way. I want my outcome.

And instead of waking up every morning and surrendering my will to God and making peace with however life turns out that day, I fight for my way. I make it happen. I let what I think is a good quality (determination) drown out the guidance of the Holy Spirit in my life. Then I end up here all over again.

Proverbs 19:21: “Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand.”

I’m sick of being here.

If you’re sick of being here too, would you say a little prayer with me?

Lord, thank You that Your mercies are made new every morning. I’m sorry that I’ve been fighting Your calling for, and voice in, my life. I give this day to You to use for Your glory. Please restore my spirit and guide my steps, and help me to surrender to Your will daily. Amen.

Image Credit: Randy Willis Photos

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Comments

  1. says

    More than happy to pray for you. I so identify with the struggle you are talking about. In fact, I finally downloaded a copy of Dietrich von Hildebrand’s Transformation in Christ and read, last night, the first chapter which is all about surrender. My craving for quite a while has been to slow down and become more aligned to God and what He wants in my life, yet, as von Hildebrand says, I find myself becoming “infatuated with activity.” I allow myself to get busy, I think, as a way not to take the time to self-examine.

    Self-examination used to be an easy and comfortable thing for me but as I’ve sunk deeper and deeper into the caregiver role the last five years and more “activities” have become more of a lure to keep myself preoccupied with anything but…. I think of you often and I will certainly keep you in my prayers and thoughts.

    • Lisa Morosky says

      You speak the truth right there (sounds like Dietrich von Hildebrand does too). I also crave peace and quiet, but then I fill my to-do list to the max. Finally starting to get more comfortable with slowing down and being present every day, though.

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